Lincoln's Yarns and Stories
1901
McClure's 1901 collection of the anecdotes Lincoln told, 576 of them, each with the occasion that prompted it. The volume opens with a preface, tributes from men who heard him, and a chronology of his life, and closes with the assassination and the monument at Springfield.
- Introduction
- Preface.
- LINCOLN’S NAME AROUSES AN AUDIENCE, BY DR. NEWMAN HALL, of London.
- Lincoln Chronology
- LINCOLN AND McCLURE.
- Lincoln Asked to Be Shot.
- Time Lost Didn’t Count.
- No Vices, No Virtues.
- Lincoln’s Dues.
- “Done with the Bible.”
- His Knowledge of Human Nature.
- A Mischievous Ox.
- The Presidential “Chin-Fly.”
- ‘Squire Bagly’s Precedent.
- He’d Need His Gun.
- Kept Up the Argument.
- Equine Ingratitude.
- ‘Twas “Moving Day.”
- “Abe’s” Hair Needed Combing.
- Would “Take to the Woods.”
- Lincoln Carried Her Trunk.
- Boat Had to Stop.
- Mcclellan’s “Special Talent.”
- How “Jake” Got Away.
- More Light and Less Noise.
- One Bullet and a Hatful.
- Lincoln’s Story to Peace Commissioners.
- “Abe” Got the Worst of It.
- It Depended upon His Condition.
- “Got Down to the Raisins.”
- “Honest Abe” Swallows His Enemies.
- Saving His Wind.
- Right For, Once, Anyhow.
- “Pity the Poor Orphan.”
- “BAP.” McNABB’S BOOSTER.
- A Low-Down Trick.
- End for End.
- Let Six Skunks Go.
- How He Got Blackstone.
- A Job for the New Cabinetmaker.
- “I Can Stand It If They Can.”
- Lincoln Mistaken for Once.
- Forgot Everything He Knew.
- He Loved a Good Story.
- Heels Ran Away with Them.
- Wanted to Burn Him Down to the Stump.
- Had a “Kick” Coming.
- The Case of Betsy Ann Dougherty.
- Had to Wear a Wooden Sword.
- “Abe” Stirring the “Black” Coals.
- Getting Rid of an Elephant.
- Grotesque, Yet Frightful.
- “Abe” Was No Dude.
- Characteristic of Lincoln.
- “Plough All ‘Round Him.”
- “I’ve Lost My Apple.”
- Lost His Certificate of Character.
- Note Presented for Payment.
- Dog Was a “Leetle Bit Ahead.”
- “Abe’s” Fight with Negroes.
- Noise Like a Turnip.
- Warding Off God’s Vengeance.
- Jeff Davis and Charles the First.
- Loved Soldiers’ Humor.
- Bad Time for a Barbecue.
- He’d See It Again.
- Call Another Witness.
- A Contest with Little “Tad.”
- Reminded Him of “A Little Story.”
- “Fetched Several Short Ones.”
- Lincoln Lugs the Old Man.
- McCLELLAN WAS “INTRENCHING.”
- Make Something Out of It, Anyway.
- Vicious Oxen Have Short Horns.
- Lincoln’s Name for “Weeping Water.”
- Peter Cartwright’s Description of Lincoln.
- No Deaths in His House.
- Painted His Principles.
- Dignifying the Statute.
- Lincoln Campaign Mottoes.
- Giving Away the Case.
- Posing with a Broomstick.
- “Both Length and Breadth.”
- “Abe” Recites a Song.
- “Manage to Keep House.”
- Grant “Tumbled” Right Away.
- “Don’t Kill Him with Your Fist.”
- Could Be Arbitrary.
- A General Bustification.
- Making Quartermasters.
- No Postmasters in His Pocket.
- He “Skewed” the Line.
- “Whereas,” He Stole Nothing.
- Not Like the Pope’s Bull.
- Could He Tell?
- Darned Uncomfortable Sitting.
- “What’s-His-Name” Got There.
- A Really Great General.
- “Shrunk Up North.”
- Lincoln Adopted the Suggestion.
- Something for Everyone.
- Too Many Pigs for the Teats.
- Greeley Carries Lincoln to the Lunatic Asylum.
- The Last Time He Saw Douglas.
- Hurt His Legs Less.
- A Little Shy or Grammar.
- His First Satirical Writing.
- Likely to Do It.
- “The Enemy Are ‘Ourn’”
- “And—Here I Am!”
- Safe as Long as They Were Good.
- “Smelt No Royalty in Our Carriage.”
- Hell a Mile from the White House.
- His “Glass Hack”
- Leave Him Kicking.
- “Who Commenced This Fuss?”
- “Abe’s” Little Joke.
- What Summer Thought.
- A Useless Dog.
- Origin of the “Influence” Story.
- Felt Sorry for Both.
- Where DID It Come From?
- “Long Abe” Four Years Longer.
- “All Sicker’n Your Man.”
- Easier to Empty the Potomac.
- He Wanted a Steady Hand.
- Lincoln Saw Stanton About It.
- Mrs. Lincoln’s Surprise.
- Menace to the Government.
- Troops Couldn’t Fly over It.
- Pat Was “Forninst the Government.”
- “Can’t Spare This Man.”
- His Teeth Chattered.
- “Aaron Got His Commission.”
- Lincoln and the Ministers.
- Hardtack Better Than Generals.
- Got the Preacher.
- Big Joke on Halleck.
- Stories Better Than Doctors.
- Short, but Exciting.
- Mr. Bull Didn’t Get His Cotton.
- Stick to American Principles.
- Used “Rude Tact.”
- “Abe” on a Woodpile.
- Taking Down a Dandy.
- When Old Abe Got Mad.
- Wanted to “Borrow” the Army.
- Young “Sucker” Visitors.
- “And You Don’t Wear Hoopskirts.”
- Lieutenant Tad Lincoln’s Sentinels.
- Douglas Held Lincoln’s Hat.
- The Dead Man Spoke.
- Military Snails Not Speedy.
- Outran the Jack-Rabbit.
- “Fooling” the People.
- “Abe, You Can’t Play That on Me.”
- His “Broad” Stories.
- Sorry for the Horses.
- MILD Rebuke to a Doctor.
- Cold Molasses Was Swifter.
- Lincoln Calls Medill a Coward.
- They Didn’t Build It.
- Stanton’s Abuse of Lincoln.
- The Negro and the Crocodile.
- Lincoln Was Ready to Fight.
- It Was Up-Hill Work.
- Lee’s Slim Animal.
- “Mrs. North and Her Attorney.”
- Satisfaction to the Soul.
- Withdrew the Colt.
- “Tad” Got His Dollar.
- Tells an Editor About Nasby.
- Long and Short of It.
- More Pegs Than Holes.
- “Webster Couldn’t Have Done More.”
- Lincoln Met Clay.
- Reminded “Abe” of a Little Joke.
- His Dignity Saved Him.
- The Man He Was Looking For
- His Cabinet Chances Poor.
- The General Was “Headed In”
- Sugar-Coated.
- Could Make “Rabbit-Tracks.”
- Lincoln Protected Currency Issues.
- Lincoln’s Apology to Grant.
- Lincoln Said “By Jing.”
- It Tickled the Little Woman.
- “Shall All Fall Together.”
- Dead Dog No Cure.
- “Thorough” Is a Good Word.
- The Cabinet Was A-Settin’.
- A Bullet Through His Hat.
- No Kind to Get to Heaven On.
- The Only Real Peacemaker.
- The Apple Woman’s Pass.
- Split Rails by the Yard.
- The Question of Legs.
- Too Many Widows Already.
- God Needed That Church.
- The Man Down South.
- Couldn’t Let Go the Hog.
- The Cabinet Lincoln Wanted.
- Ready for “Butcher-Day.”
- “The Bad Bird and the Mudsill.”
- Gave the Soldier His Fish.
- A Peculiar Lawyer.
- If They’d Only “Skip.”
- Father of the “Greenback.”
- Major Anderson’s Bad Memory.
- No Vanderbilt.
- Squashed a Brutal Lie.
- “One War at a Time.”
- President Lincoln’s Last Public Address.
- No Others Like Them.
- Cash Was at Hand.
- Welcomed the Little Girls.
- “Don’t Swap Horses”
- Most Valuable Political Attribute.
- “Abe” Resented the Insult.
- One Man Isn’t Missed.
- “Stretched the Facts.”
- It Lengthened the War.
- His Theory of the Rebellion.
- Ran Away When Victorious.
- Wanted Stanton Spanked.
- Stanton Was Out of Town.
- Identified the Colored Man.
- Office Seekers Worse Than War.
- He “Set ‘Em Up.”
- Wasn’t Stanton’s Say.
- “Jeffy” Threw Up the Sponge.
- Didn’t Know Grant’s Preference.
- JUSTICE vs. NUMBERS.
- No False Pride in Lincoln.
- Extra Member of the Cabinet.
- How Lincoln Was Abused.
- How “Fighting Joe” Was Appointed.
- Kept His Courage Up.
- A Fortune-Teller’s Prediction.
- Too Much Powder.
- Sleep Standing Up.
- Should Have Fought Another Battle.
- Lincoln Upbraided Lamon.
- Marked Out a Few Words.
- Lincoln Silences Seward.
- Brought the Husband Up.
- No War Without Blood-Letting.
- Lincoln’s Two Difficulties.
- White Elephant on His Hands.
- When Lincoln and Grant Clashed.
- Won James Gordon Bennett’s Support.
- Stood by the “Silent Man.”
- A Very Brainy Nubbin.
- Sent to His “Friends.”
- Go Down with Colors Flying.
- All Were Tragedies.
- “He’s the Best of Us.”
- How Lincoln “Composed.”
- Hamlin Might Do It.
- The Gun Shot Better.
- LENIENT WITH McCLELLAN.
- Didn’t Want a Military Reputation.
- “Surrender No Slave.”
- Conscripting Dead Men.
- Lincoln’s Rejected Manuscript.
- Lincoln as a Story Writer.
- Lincoln’s Ideas on Crossing a River When He Got to It.
- President Nominated First.
- “Them Gilliteens.”
- “Consider the Sympathy of Lincoln.”
- Saved a Life.
- Lincoln Played Ball.
- His Passes to Richmond Not Honored.
- “Public Hangman” for the United States.
- Few, but Boisterous.
- Keep Pegging Away.
- Beware of the Tail.
- “Lincoln’s Dream.”
- There Was No Need of a Story.
- Lincoln a Man of Simple Habits.
- His Last Speech.
- Forgot Everything He Knew Before.
- Lincoln Believed in Education.
- Lincoln on the Dred Scott Decision.
- Lincoln Made Many Notable Speeches.
- What Ailed the Boys.
- Tad’s Confederate Flag.
- Called Blessings on the American Women.
- Lincoln’s “Order No. 252.”
- Talked to the Negroes of Richmond.
- “Abe” Added a Saving Clause.
- How “Jack” Was “Done Up.”
- Angels Couldn’t Swear It Right.
- “Must Go, and Go to Stay.”
- Lincoln Wasn’t Buying Nominations.
- He Envied the Soldier at the Front.
- Don’t Trust Too Far
- He’d “Risk the Dictatorship.”
- “Major General, I Reckon.”
- Would See the Tracks.
- “Abe” Gave Her a “Sure Tip.”
- The President Had Knowledge of Him.
- Only Half a Man.
- Grant Congratulated Lincoln.
- “Brutus and Caesar.”
- How Stanton Got into the Cabinet.
- “Abe” Like His Father.
- “No Moon at All.”
- “Abe” a Superb MIMIC.
- Why He Was Called “Honest Abe.”
- “Abe’s” Name Remained on the Sign.
- Very Homely at First Sight.
- The Man to Trust.
- “Wuz Goin’ Ter Be ‘Hitched.”’
- He Proposed to Save the Union.
- The Same Old Rum.
- Saved Lincoln’s Life
- Would Not Recall a Single Word.
- Old Broom Best After All.
- GOD WITH A LITTLE “g.”
- “Abe’s” Log.
- It Was a Fine Fizzle.
- A Teetotaler.
- Not to “Open Shop” There.
- We Have Liberty of All Kinds.
- Tom Corwins’s Latest Story.
- “Catch ‘Em and Cheat ‘Em.”
- A Juryman’s Scorn.
- He “Broke” to Win.
- Wanted Her Children Back.
- Six Feet Four at Seventeen.
- Had Respect for the Eggs.
- How Was the Milk Upset?
- “Pulled Fodder” for a Book.
- Praises His Rival for Office.
- One Thing “Abe” Didn’t Love.
- The Modesty of Genius.
- Why She Married Him.
- Niagara Falls.
- Made It Hot for Lincoln.
- Wouldn’t Hold Title Against Him.
- Only One Life to Live.
- Couldn’t Locate His Birthplace.
- “Sambo” Was “Afeared.”
- When Money Might Be Used.
- “Abe” Was No Beauty.
- “He’s Just Beautiful.”
- Big Enough Hog for Him.
- “Abe” Offers a Speech for Something to Eat.
- They Understood Each Other.
- Few Fence Rails Left.
- The “Great Snow” of 1830-31.
- Creditor Paid Debtors Debt.
- Helped Out the Soldiers.
- Every Fellow for Himself.
- “Butcher-Knife Boys” at the Polls.
- No “Second Coming” for Springfield.
- How He Won a Friend.
- Never Sued a Client.
- The Lincoln Household Goods.
- Running the Machine.
- Was “Boss” When Necessary.
- “Rather Starve Than Swindle.”
- Don’t Aim Too High.
- Not Much at Rail-Splitting.
- Gave the Soldier the Preference.
- The President Was Not Scared.
- Jeff. Davis’ Reply to Lincoln.
- LINCOLN WAS a GENTLEMAN.
- His Poor Relations.
- Deserter’s Sins Washed Out in Blood.
- Sure Cure for Boils.
- Pay for Everything.
- Bashful with Ladies.
- Saw Humor in Everything.
- Specific for Foreign “Rash.”
- Favored the Other Side.
- Lincoln and the “Show”
- “Mixing” and “Mingling.”
- Took Part of the Blame.
- Thought of Learning a Trade.
- Lincoln Defends Fifteen Mrs. Nations.
- Avoided Even Appearance of Evil
- War Didn’t Admit of Holidays.
- “Neutrality.”
- Days of Gladness Past.
- Wouldn’t Take the Money.
- Grant Held on All the Time.
- Chewed the Cud in Solitude.
- “Abe’s” Yankee Ingenuity.
- Lincoln Paid Homage to Washington.
- Stirred Even the Reporters.
- When “Abe” Came In.
- Eternal Fidelity to the Cause of Liberty.
- “Abe’s” “Defalcations.”
- He Wasn’t Guileless.
- Sweet, but MILD Revenge.
- Didn’t Trust the Court.
- Handsomest Man on Earth.
- That Coon Came Down.
- Wrote “Pieces” When Very Young.
- “Try to Steer Her Through.”
- Grand, Gloomy and Peculiar.
- On the Way to Gettysburg.
- Stood Up the Longest.
- A Mortifying Experience.
- No Halfway Business.
- Discouraged Litigation.
- Going Home to Get Ready.
- “The ‘Rail-Sputter’ Repairing the Union.”
- “Find Out for Yourselves.”
- Rough on the Negro.
- Challenged All Comers.
- “Government Rests in Public Opinion.”
- Hurry Might Make Trouble.
- Saw Himself Dead.
- Every Little Helped.
- About to Lay Down the Burden.
- Lincoln Would Have Preferred Death.
- “Punch” and His Little Picture.
- FASCINATED By THE WONDERFUL
- “Why Don’t They Come!”
- Grant’s Brand of Whiskey.
- His Financial Standing.
- The Dandy and the Boys.
- “Some Ugly Old Lawyer.”
- Good Memory of Names.
- Settled Out of Court.
- The Five Points Sunday School.
- Sentinel Obeyed Orders.
- Why Lincoln Growed Whiskers.
- Lincoln as a Dancer.
- Simply Practical Humanity.
- Happy Figures of Speech.
- A Few “Rhythmic Shots.”
- Old Man Glenn’s Religion.
- Last Acts of Mercy.
- Just Like Seward.
- A Cheerful Prospect.
- Thought God Would Have Told Him.
- Lincoln and a Bible Hero.
- Boy Was Cared For.
- The Jury Acquitted Him
- Took Nothing but Money.
- Naughty Boy Had to Take His Medicine.
- Would Blow Them to H—-.
- “Yankee” Goodness of Heart.
- Walked as He Talked.
- The Song DID the Business.
- A “Free for All.”
- Three Infernal Bores.
- Lincoln’s Men Were “Hustlers.”
- A Slow Horse.
- Dodging “Browsing Presidents.”
- A Greenback Legend.
- God’s Best Gift to Man.
- Scalping in the Black Hawk War.
- Matrimonial Advice.
- Owed Lots of Money.
- “On the Lord’s Side.”
- Wanted to Be Near “Abe.”
- Got His Foot in It.
- Saved by a Letter.
- His Favorite Poem.
- Five-Legged Calf.
- A Stage-Coach Story.
- The “400” Gathered There.
- Only Level-Headed Men Wanted.
- His Faith in the Monitor.
- Her Only Imperfection.
- The Old Lady’s Prophecy.
- How the Town of Lincoln, Ill., Was Named.
- “Old Jeff’s” Big Nightmare.
- Lincoln’s Last Official Act.
- The Lad Needed the Sleep.
- “Massa Linkum Like De Lord!”
- How Lincoln Took the News.
- Profanity as a Safety-Valve.
- Why We Won at Gettysburg.
- Had to Wait for Him.
- President and Cabinet Joined in Prayer.
- Believed He Was a Christian.
- With the Help of God.
- Turned Tears to Smiles.
- Lincoln’s Last Written Words.
- Women Plead for Pardons.
- Lincoln Wished to See Richmond.
- Spoken Like a Christian.
- “Lincoln Goes in When the Quakers Are Out”
- Had Confidence in Him—“But—.”
- How Hominy Was Originated.
- His Idea’s Old, After All.
- Lincoln’s First Speech.
- “Abe Wanted No Sneakin’ ‘Round.”
- Didn’t Even Need Stilts.
- “How Do You Get Out of This Place?”
- “Tad” Introduces “Our Friends.”
- Mixed Up Worse Than Before.
- “Long Abe’s” Feet “Protruded Over.”
- Could Lick Any Man in the Crowd.
- His Way to a Child’s Heart.
- “Left It the Women to Howl About Me.”
- He’d Ruin All the Other Convicts.
- In a Hopeless Minority.
- “Did Ye Ask Morrissey Yet?”
- Got the Laugh on Douglas.
- “Fixed Up” a Bit for the “City Folks.”
- Even Rebels Ought to Be Saved.
- Tried to Do What Seemed Best.
- “Holding a Candle to the Czar.”
- Nashville Was Not Surrendered.
- He Couldn’t Wait for the Colonel.
- Lincoln Pronounced This Story Funny.
- Joke Was on Lincoln.
- The Other One Was Worse.
- “I’d a Been Missed by Myse’f.”
- It All “Depended” upon the Effect.
- Too Swift to Stay in the Army.
- Admired the Strong Man.
- Wished the Army Charged Like That.
- “Uncle Abraham” Had Everything Ready.
- Not as Smooth as He Looked.
- A Small Crop.
- “Never Regret What You Don’t Write.”
- A Vain General.
- Death Bed Repentance.
- No Cause for Pride.
- The Story of Lincoln’s Life
- A Youthful Poet.
- Made Speeches When a Boy.
- Assistant Pilot on a Steamboat.
- “Captain Lincoln” Pleased Him.
- Failure as a Business Man.
- Gains Fame as a Story Teller.
- Surveyor with No Strings on Him.
- A Member of the Legislature.
- The Famous “Long Nine.”
- Begins to Oppose Slavery.
- Begins to Practice Law.
- His First Joint Debate.
- Marries a Springfield Belle.
- Story of Anne Rutledge.
- His Duel with Shields.
- Forms New Partnership.
- Defeats Peter Cartwright for Congress.
- Makes Speeches for “Old Zach.”
- Declines a High Office.
- Lincoln as a Lawyer.
- Telling Stories on the Circuit.
- The Lion Is Aroused to Action.
- Seeks a Seat in the Senate.
- Helps to Organize the Republican Party.
- THE RAIL-SPLITTER vs. THE LITTLE GIANT.
- Were Like Crowds at a Circus.
- His Buckeye Campaign.
- First Visit to New York.
- First Nomination for President.
- Formation of the Southern Confederacy.
- Good-Bye to the Old Folk.
- The “Secret Passage” to Washington.
- His Eloquent Inaugural Address.
- Follows Precedent of Washington.
- Greater Diplomat Than Seward.
- Lincoln a Great General.
- Absolute Confidence in Grant.
- Reasons for Freeing the Slaves.
- Hard to Refuse Pardons.
- A Fun-Loving and Humor-Loving Man.
- Warnings of His Tragic Death.
- Lincoln at the Theatre.
- Lamon’s Remarkable Request.
- How Lincoln Was Murdered.
- Booth Brandishes His Dagger and Escapes.
- Walt Whitman’s Description.
- Booth Found in a Barn.
- Booth Shot by “Boston” Corbett.
- Fate of the Conspirators.
- Henry Ward Beecher’s Eulogy.
- Abraham Lincoln’s Family.
- Lincoln Monument at Springfield.